Rules for Dating: A guide for ex’s and singles going into the dating market

You have been single for awhile and contemplating dating again? Then no matter your position, dominant, active, and passive or submissive, you should consider following a few codes of conduct for dating singles (especially if you have been off the market for sometime).

Code of Conduct No. 1: Update your Social MediaSocial_Media_Updating
If you are between the ages 6-55, chances are you will have a social media page. My mother is 61 years, and I received a friend request from her just last February (which I of course did not accept). Heck, my cat, Toby, has his own Facebook page! It’s just something that has become the norm; and if you don’t have a social media page…which planet do you live on?

Here are some social media do’s:

  • Update your status regularly (but don’t overdo it). Be sure to mention anything interesting about your life that is recent so your friends know you are alive, and that your possible crush (who will cyber stalk you at some point) knows that you are busy and have things going on.
  • Make sure your profile picture is no older than 6 months, or the very least, a year. Remember the dating world is a market and social media is your avenue to self-advertise. Taking selfies may seem “clichéd” but if you are having a good hair day, take one. Just left the barber and feel like a million bucks? Take one. Took a morning shave and feel good about yourself…better snap that moment.
  • If you go out with friends and took a group photo, make sure you are front and centre and on point! It would be a shame to instagram a photo where everyone over shadows you (or your head is just a little circle to the back of the photo). If you are an outgoing person, this is very important; as it subtly sends a message to your future partner that this is who you are and this is the lifestyle that you wish to maintain.

Here are some social media don’ts:

  • Update your status every 5 minutes of the day. Example: “1:30pm *******writes: I am eating lunch. Yay! 1:32pm*******writes: I am at the mall. I am going to The GAP first. 1:42pm *******writes: I am going to take a dump in the mall bathroom. Gross?” Seriously, no one cares. Keep the excess to yourself.
  • When taking selfies, get the hell out the bathroom. Seriously people, stop taking bathroom selfies and posting them on Facebook!
  • Stop abusing hash tags. Stop! Don’t  tag every word that you type. It’s unnecessary and may potentially make your future partner think you are a little crazy…or retarded.
  • When in a group photo, male or female, turning your ass to the camera is just pathetic. Even more so, duck faces and squinting your eyes. It’s not sexy, it’s not cute and it’s so 2007. Don’t….just don’t.
  • If you are at that stage where it’s been awhile (so you are ready to date) but you are not 100% over your ex, unfriend him. Don’t cyber stalk your ex. Tag them to your pictures, or join every group they join on Facebook. That’s not going to end well for your psychological wellbeing or be fair to anyone you might be dating. Get over it!
  • Do not under any circumstances date anyone who does not have a legit social media page. This is 2014. Anyone who approaches you online and has a Grinder account, or an Adam for Adam or Craigslist or Badoo, but no Facebook, Whatsapp or Instagram with legit pictures, friends or history on their page…run. Don’t question it; don’t think about it, just run.

Code of Conduct No. 2: Keep it healthy, Keep it Fittumblr_ms936ui0e51qffcrao4_500
If you intend to start dating again, starting a regular exercise regime or fitness programme will do wonders. You will be amazed by how much positivity an afternoon run will make you feel. However, exercising is not so much about looking like a hot summer lifeguard, but more about starting a healthy habit to increase stamina and vitality; physically and mentally.

Here are some Fitness do’s:

  • Enrol into a gym. But don’t just sign up then leave and go eat a cheeseburger, put on your gym clothes and go do a spin class, or lift some weights. The gym is a great way to meet new people (including guys) and add motivation to your workout.
  • Consider eating a bit healthier. No one likes a slob (gay or straight), whether it’s an apple a day or a salad a day, the closer you look like death (or walking diabetes) the more important it is for you to consider making a few changes to your diet.
  • If gyms are not your thing, try some home fitness videos (Insanity, PX90, etc.). They are all over the internet these days and very easy to ascertain at your local video store.

Here are some Fitness don’ts:

  • Don’t go to the gym and try to show off, make and ass of yourself and then hurt yourself. Even men can get it wrong, too. If there is a machine that you are sceptical about using, ask the instructor on duty for help. That way, in the future, if you see someone you like and they look like they don’t know what they are doing, you can always bait them into a small conversation by helping them using their machine.
  • Dieting sucks, we all know! But if you want to eat a couple slices of Pizza for dinner on a Friday night and have a beer, go ahead. Especially if you are constantly thinking about it, or your friends are over and they are having it. Otherwise, when no one is looking, you are just going to pig out and probably end up binging on a whole pie.

Code of Conduct No. 3: Know your Status!
The moment you decide you are going to date you should get tested. It doesn’t matter if you are looking for something short term, long term or just a one night f**k, KNOW YOUR STATUS!

Here is some knowing your Status do’s:

  • Visit a reputable clinic or trust worthy centre. After your test is done, ALWAYS ask for your receipt. It is usually a small sheet of paper that is stamped and states your results, with the date and the name of the Organization, nurse or doctor who conducted the test.
  • If you are currently dating (just a handful of guys) and you see something appear on any part of your body that doesn’t look right- a spot, a rash, a marshan, a speed bump or pot hole- get it checked out immediately. Just stop whatever you’re doing and go!
  • If you are dating a bunch of guys at a time, be sure to use a condom everytime you are getting laid. Not just with one and not the other, EVERYTIME.

Here are some Knowing your Status don’ts:

  • Once you are at the STD clinic, don’t spaz out. People tend to get awkward at the STD clinic, especially if they see someone there that they know. Keep calm; what are they going to do, gossip that they saw you at the STD clinic? People would ask them what they were doing there. And don’t even consider conversation with them if the first thing that comes out there mouth is “what are you here for?” That’s just insane…
  • At the clinic, they may give you some pamphlets to read (I know they always give me), just don’t. Reading pamphlets makes everybody feel like they are a doctor, and because you read it all in a 5 page brochure, you feel like you now have a medical degree and you start diagnosing yourself before your results are even done processing. Relax! You could just have razor bumps from that rusty old razor you had put down in your clothes drawer since 2010 but never used because your ex liked it bushy.
  • If you know your status, and you are made aware you have something contagious, don’t be a prick and pass it on to your future dates. Give full disclosure and take the proper precautionary steps to make sure you maintain good health and not pass it on to others.

Code of Conduct No. 4: Go Shoppingmen-shopping-together
Shopping is a bit of a mixed feeling subject, especially for men (gay or straight). Nonetheless, shopping is a dating essential and why it is Code of Conduct number 4. Buying that right pair of jeans that shows off your bow legs or makes your butt look cute may very well be the deciding factor that lands you your next date.

Here are some shopping do’s:

  • Always go shopping with an objective shopping partner-that means NOT your mom, your gay friend or your brother. There are a few exceptions, but your best and most ideal shopping partner would be your best friend of the opposite sex. He or She can objectively tell you what looks flattering on you, especially if they are heterosexual.
  • Buy clothing that is appropriate to the types of date you want to go on. I.e., if you want to go on a date with a guy that takes you out to KFC, then buy cut out jeans and bleached T’s. If you want a guy who takes you out to somewhere classy, buy a trendy sports jacket. Some people may object to this but I tell you, whenever I feel like crap, I go and I buy myself a new designer tie, and voila! I feel like a successful business man. My future is suddenly bright again, and I can take on the world!
  • Buy some new underwear. Sexy underwear. Even if it is just for you to see, when you see yourself in the mirror and how hot you look in those new Andrew Christian trunks your confidence will start to show when you walk on the street. Trust me, I buy new shoes, and even when my clothes is old and raggedy as f**k, people are still complimenting me on how awesome I look and I feel larger than life! Plus, you may never know when you might be on a night out that will manifest into that one night you end up potentially getting laid and you have on your old Hanes with the bleach spot on the front from last year.

Here are some shopping don’ts:

  • Do not buy things you KNOW you will not need. Like a Tuxedo…or a scuba suit.
  • Bring cash, and stick to your budget. Hide your credit card while shopping; no one wants to be with someone with bad credit ratings, debts and a foreclosure on their home.
  • Do not buy clothes that are not your size. Even by skinny jeans standards, ants should be able to crawl through your trousers without suffocating to death.

Code of Conduct No. 5: Mind your Manners
A lot of people wonder everyday how it is that they are so good looking, but when they go out to the movies or to a nice restaurant with their friends, they see some really ugly people (by society standards) with really hot looking guys or girls on their arms. No matter how beautiful you may look or how many magazines your super model face has been on, if you are a bitch and probably rude to most people around you, then no one is going to want to be with you. Bone you maybe, and keep you for booty calls (if you are lucky) but you will probably never have a solid relationship.

Here are some Manners do’s:

  • Always say please when you are asking for something.
  • Learn when to say no and do so politely. If a guy offers you a smoke, a drink, a ride home or even sex on the first date and you don’t feel like you are up to it, politely decline and give a very brief explanation to close that particular discussion.
  • Say thank you whenever your date does something for you; no matter how big or small the gesture. Be sure to be specific about what you are thanking the person for and express your gratitude for it. E.g. “Thank you for dinner. I am usually the one cooking and I honestly don’t like to; so it means a great deal to me.”
  • If you know you are not the best looking person in the world (and yes, big guys I am talking to you, too) it is important that you are nice to people around you, dress real nice (or develop a sense of style when no one is looking), and be a real gentleman.

Here are some Manners don’ts:

  • Don’t say please more than once in a sentence. Doing so makes you look stupid, uneducated or fake. Mostly, men will just sum it up to being needy and that can be unattractive to someone who doesn’t yet know you enough that you are dating.
  • When you have declined to an offer presented to you and giving an explanation, whether it is a lie or not, keep it brief. There is no need for a full 2 page forensics report. It’s not a crime scene, it’s an opportunity to bail, not get one of your kidneys stolen or leave with your dignity intact–and by dignity I mean not get butt-raped.
  • Do not overuse “Thank you”. If will lose its authenticity, its value and its meaning. For instance, if you go out on a picnic and the guy shears your brunch, unfolds you a napkin and pours you a glass of wine, do not tell him thank you each time he does something. Wait until he is done with everything, and then thank him for the occasion.

Code of Conduct No. 6: Learn to take a Complimenttunic
Nothing is worse than a guy who doesn’t know how to take a compliment. Compliments are random acts of kindness that sends out positive wavelengths into the universe and if done properly, can really improve or set a good mood for someone’s whole day. Besides, compliments are a real good way to measure your date “readiness” and knowing how to respond to each one appropriately can determine if you get hit on, asked out on a date or if it is the last compliment you will ever receive from that person(s).

Here are some compliment do’s:

  • Learn how to thank persons for a compliment without coming off as self-centered or arrogant. You don’t want to sound like that person who is sad all the time and seem insecure about a person complimenting them but at the same time, try to be somewhere in-between (like that shy person who is being told they are invited to the party in-between).
  • When someone cat-calls you in public, you know you are ready for dating (especially if that person is of the opposite sex). Some people may take cat-calling as an insult but that’s just some Sunday school bible girl bull. Cat calling is the greatest compliment a random unknown person can give you. Replying with a subtle gesture of thanks, a smile, a wink, a hair flip (if you have hair to flip) a wave or even just humbly saying thank you will make you instantly 100% more attractive than you were when that person first saw you and could possibly land you a date.
  • Be sincere about giving compliments. Everyone likes them (even when they don’t act like they do) so mastering the art of complimenting someone can take you places—more than just some random guy’s bedroom to get laid.

Here are some compliments don’ts:

  • Do not give back handed compliments. They are universally unacceptable and even people with low IQ’s know when a back handed compliment is been given. Example, “Nice top. You pull off vertical strips very well for a big person” …just don’t.
  • When giving compliments, don’t exaggerate. People know when you are being insincere, especially if the tone of your voice goes up multiple octaves.
  • Don’t give a compliment just to return the favour (if you really don’t mean it). E.g. “Oh wow, I love your shoes!” “Awwwhhhhh, thanks. Yours too!” You see those shoes stripping on the sides and the front begging for bread. Don’t say things you don’t mean.

Code of Conduct No. 7: Groominggroming kit
If you don’t have a grooming regime that you use to maintain the appearance of your body, now would be the time to start doing so. Without spending USD$2,000 these are little ways that will keep you looking and smelling your best and more importantly, prevent infections and other illnesses.

Here are some Grooming do’s:

  • Always wear a deodorant that compliments your body odour (especially at the gym).
  • Shower daily.
  • Floss regularly and brush your teeth twice per day.
  • Real men don’t have claws. Cut them!
  • Maintain your wax/shave/plucking regime if you have one and if you don’t, and you are dating and expecting to get laid; this applies to those especially who enjoy receiving oral sex, be sure to at least maintain the bikini area, the balls, butt crack and undercarriage (if you know that under there is as thick and the Amazon).

Here are some grooming don’ts:

  • Don’t brush your teeth before knowingly giving oral sex. Rinse your mouth with an alkaline mouth wash or hydrogen peroxide and you will be fine. Open cuts and sores in the mouth are a huge don’t if you suspect you may end up having sex at the end of a date.
  • Don’t leave your house without combing, brushing or fixing your hair. You never know when your future mate may just walk right by you on the street and having a trash hair-day might just be that one factor that disrupts the cosmic pull of attraction.
  • If you know you have a patchy beard and growing it doesn’t flatter you then just don’t.
  • If you don’t like hairy guys, don’t date them. Simple. Don’t date someone then tell them “Ummm, I won’t have sex with you unless you wax your chest.” That’s just wrong.

Code of Conduct No. 8: Respecting his home
If someone shows you the courtesy of inviting you to their home, be a good guest and respect the rules of their home.

Here are some respecting his home do’s:

  • Listen to his house rules and adhere to them (if he has any). Let him tell you whether to take off your shoes or not, where to sit down and if it’s okay for you to help yourself in his kitchen.
  • If you are going to use his bathroom to drop a brick, make sure you open a window (because chances are he isn’t going to have air freshener), and don’t forget to flush.
  • If you are going to spring a leak, be sure to flip the toilet seat up and aim into the bowl, not the rim or the floor. If you know you might be a sprinkler, please be neat and take a seat.
  • Throwing a party is one of the best ways to make a come-back into the dating world. If you are (feeling like Gatsby) contemplating hosting a party as a means of gaining one person’s attention or as a means of meeting singles, expect some form of casualty.

Here are some respecting his home don’ts:

  • Don’t go snooping through his medicine cabinet, sock drawer, phone or diary while he has his back turned or after you’ve both had sex and he goes to take a shower. And if you do, don’t get caught. No one likes a snooper and it sets a bad precedence to start any form of relationship on. It’s also the quickest way to be disinvited, distrusted and marked persona non grata.
  • Don’t eat or drink anything without his permission. In fact, a good host will offer you something to consume (other than his dick) and only then you have the right to take advantage and ask for whatever tickles your fancy. If he doesn’t offer, it may be a representation of how will be for future days to come and is that someone you really want to be with?
  • Don’t invite guys to your home you might not want knowing your address if the relationship doesn’t work out.
  • Don’t host parties at your home if you know you can’t handle people clogging your toilet, having sex on your bed, or throwing up in your living room.
  • If a guy invites you to his home, don’t overstay your welcome (sleep over for one night and end up staying the whole weekend). You know you have gone too far, if people at work start noticing you are coming in 2 days in a row wearing the same shit with the coffee stain from Tuesday afternoon’s break-room accident.
  • Do not steal anything, remove anything and not put it back where you found it, or snatch his underwear so you can sniff it at nights when you are home alone…don’t.

Code of Conduct No. 9: Dressing for datesgetting dressed
Getting ready for a hot date is stressful for everybody. Even heterosexual men…unless they don’t respect the girl then they probably won’t care. However, if it’s someone they’re really into, the feeling is always the same: Dread. You sometimes feel like you have nothing to wear, or you probably gained a few pounds and that jeans you love or that one top you like won’t fit.

Here are some Dressing do’s:

  • Remember to keep the use of perfumes, colognes and body sprays at a minimal. You are not trying to become a walking air freshener. Plus, you don’t know what allergies the other person might have. A subtle deodorant or shower gel will do just fine.
  • Wear something that is modest, but shows off the best parts of you. E.g. If you know you have a clean squared chest, wear a deep v-neck, or if you have long slender legs, wear a tailored pants.
  • If your date tells you to wear something comfortable, wear something comfortable. Don’t pull out those jeans you know are so tight you can barely lift your legs in.
  • Always wear shoes on a first date. Unless you intend to go to the beach, wearing flip-flops, crocks or sandals on a date is simply unacceptable.
  • Wear your favourite underwear underneath your get-up and expect the unexpected. Unless you are avoiding having sex with this guy then go ahead—don’t shave your crotch and wear briefs with holes in it! Best way to insure you keep your pants on and go home with your virtue untouched.

Here are some dressing don’ts:

  • Do not put on all the jewelry in your trinket chest. A simple watch, one pair of ear rings, or a single bracelet, cuff, or chain will suffice.
  • Don’t paste on the make-up. If make-up is your thing, there is no need to stack it on; just enough to compliment you. Not re-invent you.
  • Avoid graphic T’s that support a particular brand, sports team, country, musical band etc. You don’t know what likes or dislikes a person may have and I have known of dates that went bad because one person showed up wearing a football jersey that rivals the team the other person supports. Whoever said gay men don’t take their sports seriously, seriously needs to go jump off the Brooklyn bridge.

Code of Conduct No. 10: After you land the first date
After all the flirting and the mind games and the guy finally asks you out, many of us becoming flustered, and panic. What to do next? Who to call? Should I tell anyone? What now? Do I call him? Does he call me? How often to I text him before the date? Do I text him after the date? *panic panic panic*

Here is some landing the first date do’s:

  • Remember your table manners. If you are not up-to-date on your social graces and he takes you out for fine dinging, don’t be intimidated. Just keep calm, relax and mirror his actions.
  • If you don’t know anything on the menu, ask him to order for you and surprise you.
  • If you have particular allergies or dietary specifics (vegetarian, etc.) be sure to disclose before he starts ordering for you.
  • In conversation, declare if you have children, if you’re married, if you have any STDs, if you are unemployed, have a criminal record or have been in trouble with the law (speeding tickets excluded).
  • Always walk with your “get vex” money and never leave the house on a date without it. I.e., the money you use to pay your meal and find your ass home if he steps out of line and you or both of you gets upset.
  • Whoever invites the other out is the one who should pay the bill. When the bill comes, of course you are going to have your money ready to go dutch. But someone who is worthy of a second date will pounce on that bill like a fat kid on chocolate cake…hopefully without eating it.
  • If you are a dominant or active player in the game, you have a responsibility to insure that person’s safety home. Not doing so is uncaring and sloppy-even if you don’t intend to go on a second date with the person. Putting them on a cab, walking them to the closest transport centre or to their car is the least you can do.
  • If you are curious about his penis size and want to know whether he is a shower or a grower, don’t be afraid to feel him out if he kisses you. Even then, you can never be sure.

Here is some landing the first date don’ts:

  • Do not leave your drink unattended. Always try to finish it before leaving to do anything. If you do, do not drink it. Just politely ask for another one.
  • Don’t talk about your ex, how great your last vacation was, how many other persons you are currently dating (unless you are screwing them, then you should feel out how your date feels about polygamy in dating and break it to them with caution)
  • Don’t be a conversation hog. Speak, allow your date to speak, listen, answer then ask follow-up questions.
  • Do not tweet, text, BBM or use your phone is any sort of way during a date. The moment you find yourself using phone while talking or to break some awkward silence, is the moment you know your date is not going to work. You might as well ask the valet for your car keys and go home.
  • Don’t sleep with him on the first date…unless you really want to.
  • Do not use restaurant coupons on a first date. That’s just tacky. If you have unused membership points, they are having a 2 for one special or you received a gift card to the restaurant that covers dinner for 2, its different and definitely socially acceptable.
  • If the guy who invites you out on a date doesn’t call or text you the same night of the date, don’t sweat it. His battery probably died (you know how smart phones are these days) or he crashed once he got home. If he doesn’t call or text you the following day, he is probably scared, just relax and keep calm. If 2 days pass, he is probably not interested and any more days than that…just think of him as dead. That’s it! He is most likely dead in some ditch somewhere. Whatever you do, unless he told you to or you are the one who extended the invitation: do not contact him! Going into the whole psychology of it could take forever. Just don’t call him, that’s all you need to know.

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