5 Things Gay Men Should Stop Doing Now

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Gay men are one of the most dynamic and interesting subgenus in the human populous, issues surrounding gay sex and gay culture have been a source of distress, wild disagreements, blatant ignorance – and general outrage over the years. For such a dynamic group of men, there are still some medieval customs and non-progressive habits we hold on to that don’t stand to further a more mainstream attitude towards gay men and acceptance as a societal normalcy. Here’s a suggestion of five things gay men should stop doing.

1. Describing yourself as straight acting

The premise of sexual orientation is limited to sexual preferences, not how interested you are in sports, how masculine you dress and talk or how reserved you are. Describing yourself as straight acting doesn’t put you in a special class of gay men who are more desirable. Straight acting men – do not sleep with men, misogyny doesn’t serve to advance or improve society’s impressions of gay men.

2. Baring it all on Dating Websites, But still “Looking for Friendship”

To the gay man using a photo of his erect member or supple behind as his primary profile picture on dating websites with the premise, looking for friendship, stop. Regardless of how nice you think your penis is or how anaconda worthy your behind, advertising sex is unlikely to attract people interested in more than just sex. Be specific in your profile and clear about your intentions, state what you’re looking for in a respectful manner and for Pete’s sake, stop taking close up photos of your anus.

3. Femme Shaming

The ironic joke of gay culture is the idealization of hetero-normative behavior, not only is this self loathing practice hurtful but it only helps to perpetuate the stereotype that all gay men act feminine. This limits the spectrum of expression men are allowed to be comfortable with, any behavior which can be interpreted as feminine becomes undesirable, and gay men inclined to this form of expression become outcasts in an already ostracized group.

4. Using Sexual Labels as Life Labels

Top, bottom and verse are labels gay men use to describe their preference for penetration during intercourse. But for some gay men, the labels take on a form outside of sex and become labels used to determine how they live their life. Stop this, now. Stereotyping men in accordance to their sexual label or adopting to stereotypes is non-progressive. There is no hard and fast rule book that determines how a top should act, and how a bottom should act. Stop trying to make it happen, it’s not going to happen.

5. Slut shaming other gay men

There are enough heterosexuals in the world calling gay men whores. Freedom of sexual expression is something you’d expect a repressed feminist to rant about but the same is similar in the gay community – especially for men on the receiving end of sex. If you are concerned about someone else’s sex life, research shows that there is an 80 percent chance you might not be getting enough. There is no hard and fast rule that dictates when to have sex with someone. Instead of slut shaming encourage the person to practice safer sex, since their sex life is your prerogative.

The Attractor

91 thoughts on “5 Things Gay Men Should Stop Doing Now

  1. good piece and strikes at the core of the lifestyle. I am inclined to think the reasons we have al ot of these issues is the pressure gay men live under in a so called hetrosexual world. Masking is necessary for most and from masking comes the need to ‘fit in’. I understand. One of the cultures of the lifestyle that I would like to see addressed is the ‘youth culture’ that pervades most gay men. Sex, relationships and attraction is not limited to youth. We are our worst enemy in this area and it forces a lot of gay people to think little of themselves.

  2. I would add #6: stop objectifying other males. This doesn’t apply to all men (and neither does #1-5), but I think that where most people are coming from when they “slut-shame” (#5) is the perspective that, if you’re jumping in bed with a new guy every weekend, not only are you likely treating people as objects (which may indicate that you have a low view of fellow human dignity…okay, not my business, but maybe a helpful piece of advice anyway), but you’re also perpetuating the wide perception that gay culture is more promiscuous and fickle than the heterosexual majority, which is not something we need if the gay community is going to elicit more widespread respect from heterosexuals. The perception that more gay guys are interested in friendship, love and moving in next door with their Subarus and dogs (and likewise, the perception that fewer gays are interested in meaningless impulsive sex with that-one-cute-guy-from-the-club) will ultimately help the gay community earn its place as respected part of society that everyone can be okay with and view as normal. Also, in response to #5: what “research” shows the 80 percent chance? I suspect a made-up statistic.

  3. I say be what you want,when ever you want.life is too short to care what people think really .whatever floats your boat as long as it does not sink mine.

  4. I find it funny how none of the 5 things includes calling an end to racism and racist ideology inherent in many gay men posts (I.e. black men stating they only want other black men, or whites stating they only want whites or the worst yet, Asians stating they only want white men). These posts typically justify this racist ideology as a “preference” similar to the ones that state “I prefer masculine men.” Same holds true. Gay men are some of the biggest racists and bigots I have come across and yet, will be the first to call of equality. We, as a community, has to stop the hypocrisy!

    • I believe racial preference happens in both genders and all orientations. I don’t believe it is racist, because I personally don’t date african americans or asians, but that’s my preference along with different features I find attractive and unattractive. I fight against racism on a regular basis, and don’t feel offended if someone says they prefer a person who shares the same race, or a race they are interested in.

      • There is a define division line between racism and sexual preference. Racism is generated by hatred towards a specific race whereas sexual preference is generated by… well… one’s sexual desires. I find it rather idiotic how people confuse these two. TWO DIFFERENT THINGS. Yes, there are picky queens out there, especially when it come to sexual preference. Well, what does this mean? Like consumer goods –YOU TOO– have a choice to decide what you put in your body.

    • Ray, I agree with you to an extent… People tend to self segregate on their own. I really do not care what your race, religion, political affiliation, etc, etc, etc is… I base who I sleep with on attraction, personality and yes (the important one) hygiene, but to say I don’t have preferences would be a lie. I get what you are saying and I do agree… It sucks to read an online profile only to get to the end and have it say… “You are not the one!” My thought is… I really do not need that individual in my world. There are plenty others out there that value diversity! Peace and love!

    • I understand what you are saying… but how on earth are you going to change the type of person someone is attracted to, You’re either born attracted to a certain criteria in men or develop that way but theres not exactly a way to cure this issue.

    • Ray, having a preference for blonde or brunette, is there also discrimination involved? Not everybody disappears into a colourless society. It does not mean that black and white turn on is racist. It’s merely a taste. We’re all free to have our own Spiderman.

  5. Definitely I wouldn’t date promiscuous guys. In the end it finds its own karma. The more promiscuous you are, the less eligible you get and the more you are a loner prone for the rest of your life.

  6. Pingback: 5 More Things Gay Men Should Stop Doing | The Attractor

  7. This is bullshit homosexuality is being attracted to the same gender if I wanted to be with a woman I would be so therefore I don’t won’t to be with males that remind me of feminine females what’s the point of being with a man you are attracted to masculinity not a sissy acting man who wants to try to be a woman for you I don’t get this iam attracted to masculinity of men and iam not attracted to men that act like females if I wanted to be with women I no what to do

    • Everyone is not attracted solely to masculinity or femininity. Because youre attracted exclusively to a gender does not mean you subscribe to the social construct of gender roles. Let people be who they are. Sexuality and its expression are fluid and not cut and dried.

    • I agree. Sex with a femme is like watching straight porn in person. Instant turn off. Oops, I just labeled a lot just now. Haha

      • I agree, its like a fem and a masculine dude is a copy of the straight lifestyle. No am not down with such, i don’t hate or dislike anyone. However, my preference are for dudes who see themselves as dudes and behave or appear as one. Am not racist either and i prefer fellow brothers.

    • So, are you saying that a man can’t be gay if he has “feminine” attributes? I have to say I completely disagree! Some men have what are deemed “feminine” attributes, when in reality? That is who they are! And if they are attracted to men, why shouldn’t another man be attracted to them? They are, anatomically, male aren’t they? Your comment has me perplexed!

      • Love this comment !! Haha I’m a feminine gay guy and I get lots of masculine men and I see the “straight acting gays” sitting at home on dating sites it’s quite ridiculous

        • That’s probably because the “femme” man has found himself and has become truly confident, without the option to hide behind a mask or facade. The insecure ones that brag about being “straight acting” are usually repressing the feminine parts of themselves. There are truly masculine gay men out there, (I’m married to one) that LOVE softer more nurturing types of men. This is the balance of ALL relationships; logical and emotional balance. Two insecure guys looking for another man who will help him look less gay to outsiders (let’s be real, this is what it’s about) will always inevitably dissipate into two very incompatible partners.

    • Your the definition of an idiot who judges gay men who express themselves! every gay man is different just like every gay woman is! Yes your expression is your preference just don’t insult half the population in your unintelligent comments because you don’t like one aspect of it !!!

  8. Well… My reason for using it is that I behave in such a way that nobody really questions my sexually. I appear to be straight. I don’t force it, its just my natural demeanour. Yes I have sex with men but that’s behind closed doors and frankly nobody’s business but mine. I don’t display stereotypically homosexual traits and that doesn’t mean I’m in denial, it’s just at a glance I appear to be straight. Those who have an eye for it (other gays) will detect I’m otherwise inclined, coining the phrase It takes one to know one. But tbh it’s a matter of perspective. I identify myself as bisexual, or in other terms, an otherwise straight man who likes men. Or an otherwise gay man who likes women. I don’t use the term straight-acting to hide who I am. I use it because that’s how I naturally behave. Nothing is staged or put on, it’s just me being me. And those who are none the wiser to my sexual endeavours continue to be.
    Fair enough the post made some valid points but I felt it was calling people out on how they identify themselves, which gays do all the time, and that’s unacceptable. If someone had a period of their lives where they slept with the same sex and then stopped and says they’re not gay, then let them define themselves as that. Who are we to tell people who they are? And if they really are in denial then leave it to them to figure out their own identity instead of taking upon yourself to do it for them.

    • I understand this iam born gay never been with females I don’t get sexually excited it’s possible that if I did I may have had heterosexual sex but that has never happened in my life

    • I totally agree with you, especially the last bit of your comment. There is this movement by feminine gays to mobilise people to come out and be ‘fabulous’, not realising some people do not define themselves primarily by their sexual preference first. Not everyone will be extroverted, loud and public about their personal lives. And yes if they choose so, let it be their choice and the more conservative as well let them exercise that right to privacy and how they choose to live their lives.

    • I agree completely I’m at the other end of the spectrum I may not be hugely masculine but I don’t flaunt IM GAY just because I’m feminine I’m feminine because that’s the way I am! Just the same as lesbians you get the masculine and feminine types. We should all spread the love lol

  9. I agree with all of this. Very well said. Number 4 is particularly true, I think it’s unhealthy how people tend to define the entire lives of other people just by their sexual preferences. As if one trait of our identity was a mirror of the rest of our life.

  10. I agree with this to, well some parts at least.
    A lot of people call it arrogance for disregarding these points. In my opinion seeing both the good and bad points is always better to live a happier life.
    Religion and how we perceive ourselves within society mean nothing. Calling ourselves “straight-acting” or “devout” means nothing to anyone else within society. Judgement within things will always happen regardless of what most people think. Everyone judges something or someone, inanimate or animate. Judgement is a natural part of life so judging oneself is only natural as well as getting judged.
    I know a lot of people will not like what I have written, but I have an open mind to comments and criticisms.
    So if things things need to change, then change judgement in aggressive comments, bad choices, good choices, food choices and many more other choices we all have done or will do.
    Surely making choices and judging our own paths in life is free will. To change our judgement on things is to open our eyes. If we can make people do this then it should be towards more pressing matters than trivial things than what a gay man should and shouldn’t do.

  11. I toooootally agree with you here. We shouldn’t label ourselves or other people. We shouldn’t discriminate inside of our own oppression ither. However, being promiscuous is not a healthy attribute tied to being gay, yet it is the most influential. We should pride ourselves for being strong! We should celebrate unity for marriage equality in nearly every state(so far). We should be proud that our children and our teenagers don’t have to hide from themselves because we have developed and alliance that is strong enough to keep them protected through an undeniable support system. We should not condone what the media projects us to be: primal promiscuous party animals that live aimlessly. Our young will take our place and if we don’t, soon, show them how to live in a respectable manner – and still show their colors- we will be written off. Not only will we be outcasts, but we will outcasts by our own hands. all of this work will have been for not. I agree with everything but five because I feel that is huge part of what is reflected from our community and it should be that way – morally, it shouldn’t be that way. without morals we are just barbaric beasts who will, in time, consume ourselves.

  12. I agree with all but number 5. I frown on excessive promiscuity by anyone regardless of sexual orientation, especially someone who I am attracted to and may be a potential partner. Unfortunately this is makes it very hard to identify with other gay men. I am by far in the minority of the minority as the values and morals I associate with sexual intimacy are not understood or appreciated within gay culture. It seems really sad that freedom of sexual expression appears to also equate to a reduction of the quality and sentiment behind that expression. This is an aspect of gay culture that really minimizes the individual and can negatively effect the perceptions of self-worth within the community.

    • You believe that slut shaming is a good thing?

      Why not just be proud of your own lack of promiscuity and the depth you bring to relationships and interactions, rather than judging the way other people are behaving?

    • You believe that slut shaming is a good thing?

      Why not just focus on your own lack of promiscuity and the depth you bring to interactions and relationships, rather than judging the way others conduct themselves?

    • I find the way you connect non-promiscuity with “having morals” quite offensive. If you enjoy sex with many people, or if you enjoy sex with only one person, you can still be a decent, good-hearted human being, or, as you would put it, a “moral” person. And I’m currently in a very monogamous relationship, so don’t think I’m just jerking my knee at what you’ve said.

    • I toooootally agree with you here. We shouldn’t label ourselves or other people. We shouldn’t discriminate inside of our own oppression ither. However, being promiscuous is not a healthy attribute tied to being gay, yet it is the most influential. We should pride ourselves for being strong! We should celebrate unity for marriage equality in nearly every state(so far). We should be proud that our children and our teenagers don’t have to hide from themselves because we have developed and alliance that is strong enough to keep them protected through an undeniable support system. We should not condone what the media projects us to be: primal promiscuous party animals that live aimlessly. Our young will take our place and if we don’t, soon, show them how to live in a respectable manner – and still show their colors- we will be written off. Not only will we be outcasts, but we will outcasts by our own hands. all of this work will have been for not. I agree with everything but five because I feel that is huge part of what is reflected from our community and it should be that way – morally, it shouldn’t be that way. without morals we are just barbaric beasts who will, in time, consume ourselves.

      • Wtf are you talking about? Promiscuous gay men are going to cause us all to be “written off?” Are you insane or just hysterical? Quite frankly, you are backwards in your thinking. Do some real reflection, or learning, on sexual mores and then come back. Man, ignorance is so sad. Sop buying into heteronormative lies.

  13. I think perhaps being ‘bi’ is harder than gay or straight.. everyone looks at you with distrust.. The Cross-genders have it even worse.. are they crossing to be straight, gay. I know gender identity and sexual preference are two completely different issues. And i believe there are a lot of people who just don’t get that.

  14. I don’t really agree with this blog 100%…..but this is my opinion…..as a bisexual guy myself….I have to admit I am attracted to masculine men….not macho men….not femme boys…..just masculine men…..that’s why we are gay right…because we verbal ttracted to and facinated by other males, their masculinity and the male body…..so i believe the term “Straight Acting” wasn’t intended to offend you girly boys…..its just a description…..

    About the Femme shamming…..Everyone likes to play the Victim role where “shamming” is concerned….however Femmes sham as much as/more than the average person in the LGBT community….. I personally have been a victim of not one, but 9 different verbal attacks from Femmes because of my sexual orientation and preference….I have seen vidblogs from femme guys literally “catching a fit” because they believe bisexuals should just be gay and just that….the LGBT community need to open up their eyes and their minds and stop playing the victim card……

    That is my contribution

    • To the “straight acting” comment, I think the point was to stop calling it “straight,” because that limits the spectrum of what defines the homosexual community which is, in fact, quite broad. In other words, replace the term “straight acting” with “masculine” to acknowledge your masculine traits without betraying your sexual identity.

  15. So here’s the thing. It seems like if you don’t have a taste for dating gay men that are fem you’re labeled as someone that is self loathing. I love myself just fine just I like masculine guys for dating.

    • yeah, that’s what is called in the business “missing the point”. If you don’t want to date an effeminate man, then don’t. But also, don’t make a big song and dance about it, and don’t shame other men for being effeminate either. And as most of us know, those who go on about hating effeminate men and only dating / being into masculine men, tend to be flamers, except they don’t realise it.

  16. Yet another self -righteous, judgmental Christian who doesn’t understand the Bible or the meaning of salvation. I happen to be a homosexual who IS going to heaven. Being gay doesn’t send you to hell, sin doesn’t even send you to hell. The Bible says the wages of sin is death. Sin will kill you eventually, but it won’t send you to hell. The only thing that will send you to hell is not receiving Jesus, ie; not being saved or a believer. The Bible also states that ALL men have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, no none is exempt from sin, no one! That’s why we should recognize Jesus as being the person He said He was. There is enough recorded Biblical recorded preserved down through history that even skeptical scientist have admitted that do to the overwhelming recorded references to Jesus in such a consistent manner, most likely is fact. The beauty of it is that Jesus himself said, I did not come to condemn man, but to set him free. Free from the LAW of sin and death. These zealots need to go back and STUDY their Bible, We as believers don’t live under the OLD testament law of sin and death, but under the New covenant of the salvation of Jesus Christ, we are forgiven of our sin yesterday, today, and tomorrow and forever after as long as we believe that Jesus pre-paid the price for our sins on the cross, so that we might be reconciled back to the Father. Salvation is a GIFT that is freely given, all we need do is accept it. The Bible also says whosoever calls upon the name of the Lord SHALL be SAVED! That’s it folks, that easy. (Gay’s are whosoevers) Jesus is UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, you claiming to be believers need to start acting like Him, and start walking in love towards your fellow man and get out of Gods seat and stop trying to do His job, yours is not to judge ANYONE, but to Love them!!! One final lesson He also says that the same measure of judgment that you render, shall be the same meter that you will be judged under… A CHRISTIAN who is gay and going to heaven!

  17. Pray for deliverance. “The 5 thing gay should stop doing now” seems to support the fact that this behavior is not natural which is why you need direction. It’s like we are forcing this behavior in our lives. People don’t know how to act because it goes against nature. You all just don’t want to admit it. I can’t support people at risk for going to hell…I’m sorry I love y’all but I will continue to pray for God’s will to be done in our lives…we can’t continue like this, literally. If you are a believer you know this. #love #Toomanywillsbeingdone #don’tbemad

  18. #6. Using the word “clean” in reference to being STI-free. When I’m asked if I’m clean my response is always “I take showers at least once again and maintain excellent hygiene.” I’m always dismayed at the snarky replies saying they meant HIV- thankfully many are unaware of the negative stigma this presents, appreciate the insight and stop the practice. Being HIV+ is not dirty. Ignorance and thoughtlessness is filthy.

    • To The Mason: Its people like you that continue perpetuate this notion that “clean” means “HIV-” and you need to stop this. “Clean” is the shortened version of the expression “having a clean bill of health” given to you from the doctor. AT NO TIME has anyone said that if you are HIV+ that you are dirty.

    • Right on. This should apply to everyone – man, woman, transgender, straight, gay, bisexual… As a straight woman, I have heard these clean/dirty references from many straight men and women. Pure ignorance and ugliness…

  19. Interesting Article! Can you please provide the caption for your research? You said, “research shows” but did not cite where you retrieved the data from. At your liesure, can you please post?

  20. lol good article, please don’t forget the selfies with endless hashtags #instagay, and fourty year old skinny guys still calling themselves twinks

  21. I think numbers 4 and 5 are somewhat contradictory. As for #4, for some of us our sexual role does inform some of our social behaviors, myself included. Sometimes bottoms opt for certain roles in lofe, where tops and vets opt for others and I believe there is nothing wrong with that. Our job, as you allude in #5 is to accept the person and respect their decisions and choices.

    All in all, I believe #6 should be stop attributing any behavior to a whole group of people. Rules like these make gay men seem so one dimensional.

    • It’s not – maybe I don’t feel like acting like a girl cause I’m a bottom. Or I have to play all manly just cause I’m a top. Being femenine or masculine has nothing to do with your sexual preference. And that’s the main point. If you want to do so, you CAN, but that doesn’t mean you should. It’s just an option, just like it’s an option for a straight guy to conceal his feelings in a masculine stereotype, or open up and accept he’s human.

  22. I would add “getting girlfriends and/or wives” to that list…
    I can see why it happens but it is very selfish. What about her? What about her time and her emotions? What about all of the lies? #7 Should be stop hiding behind women….follow your true romance or learn how to become confidently single.

      • I’m sorry, can’t agree with that. What does the coming out when they have kids have anything to do with it?
        People get divorced, people find new couples – it’s just as selfish and hurtful as getting a divorce and having a new couple. If the problem is the coming out, then you’re pretty much homophobic/gay shaming.

      • Shouting out your thoughts doesn’t make it any more true. All I see is the NARROWNESS and LIMITED understanding of the coming out process which still presents challenges to many. It isn’t like it was planned that way!

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